Exintingushing Bridges

I used to be quick to burn bridges. My stubborn refusal to forgive...or apologize has often left me trapped at dead-ends with only smoldering ruins behind me.
I'm learning there's something better than blame, bitterness and burning bridges. This discipline isn't easy, but worth it.
And it leads to a much more fulfilling life!
I AM ALIVE! (Watch me live.)

An Update...and other stuff...

Hey everyone...thanks in advance for always giving me the space to be Ollie.
I don't want to make this a long, drawn out thing...but I also have to share all the rest of my heart in this process.


For as long as I remember, at my dad's church, we used to sing this song (which I always felt was kind of cheesy...and I REALLY struggle cheesiness, especially when its applied to God)...but we used to sing this song called, "I Just Feel Like Something Good Is About To Happen."
Several months ago, that song popped into my brain's music rotation. From out of nowhere, I suddenly, and constantly found myself singing this big cheese pizza song, seasoned with overwhelming hope.

"I just feel like something good is about to happen...and brother, this could be that very day."

I was singing this song...unable to shake it. It's not really my genre...but it was lodged in my heart and head...for months.
Until it reached a crescendo of excitement and emotion...on January 26th. On that day, I just happened to be on a layover in Lagos, Nigeria.
I didn't have internet service in my room, so, on this layover, I generally sit in the hotel lobby where free wifi is ever-so-slowly available.
I sat in the lobby, chatting with Cristi. I had told her several times about this song stuck in my head...and told her again this day, "Baby, I don't know why...but I simply just feel like something good is about to happen!"

We were both so very encouraged! I've been working on this book, we're really focusing on living our dreams...we feel such a passion for not just "life" but for TRULY LIVING A FULL LIFE! And this song seemed to be just the encouragement we needed to push us over the edge and, well, just make us know that "life" was actually happening!
So after a bit of chatting and dreaming...and a plate of fish and chips...I went to my room to get ready for my flight home.

I showed up for pick-up...and really felt physically, emotionally, spiritually AMAZING! I had spent some time working on my book and dreaming...

I couldn't wait to get home and see where this excitement for life was going to take Cristi, the kids and me.

But I didn't quite make it home that night...

Shortly after boarding the plane, while preparing to receive passengers, my brain decided to teach me a crash course in expressive dancing...I put my right-side in, did the hokey-pokey, and shook it all about. (I had a few seizures.)

I was transported to an incredible facility on Victoria Island in Lagos called Reddington Hospital. I had amazing care from a Harvard-trained neurologist, a first-rate cardiologist, and some amazing, highly trained Registered Nurses such as Victor Michael. (I really recieved a truly holistic care...medically, emotionally, spiritually...while in Nigeria.)
I also want to say how truly thankful I am to the crew I was working with on that trip! Georgia, Karen, Carlis, Beverly, Bridgetta, Jeffrey and Robert...plus the pilots! When I came to, and was surrounded by a crew of praying fellow co-workers...telling me I was loved...I knew everything was going to end up just fine. ("Vanilla Thunder" loves you all VERY MUCH!)
I also want to thank all the people at Delta OCC and the supervisors (Philip, Lantz, Lori and Sam) as well as the staff from InternationalSOS, who provided such amazing care in getting me home and communicating with my family. (I especially want to thank Dr. Barbara Hanke who escorted me home. I've never experienced such a seamless balance between medical professionalism and just genuine nurturing in my life!)
As frightening as the experience could have been, I feel so fortunate and purely blessed, through it all.

As soon as I arrived in Atlanta, I was transported immediately to Atlanta's Emory Hospital for MRIs and other evaluations. There, the tumor that was diagnosed in Nigeria was confirmed, and I was scheduled for brain surgery.
The tumor was removed (although, I'm honestly not sure if it was ALL removed, etc.) on February 6th.

So, yesterday, I got the pathology report from the staff at Winship Cancer Institute at Emory. The diagnosis is Stage 4, Glioblastoma. It's supposedly an aggressive form of brain cancer.
I have another appointment on Tuesday, February 21st with the entire medical team...and another with the oncologist on February 24th. I'll know more about the process of treatment on these dates. But, the initial plan is, of course, for six weeks of radiation and about a year of chemotherapy. And, I've been told I'm a prefect candidate for a new, aggressive, clinical trial.

I know this may all sound daunting...but I have to be honest with where I am in this whole process...emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc.

I'm really okay. Really.

I don't think I've ever felt more secure and at ease with anything in my life! I simply feel like my Daddy has everything under control and is taking me on this journey. And I couldn't be more excited to see what he has in store!

My theme for the last several years has been this overwhelming, unquenchable desire to change the world. I mean, I want to change the world. I want to see people realizing all the fullness of life...I want to see people living out of their passions and knowing the thrill, the pleasure, the joy of being ALIVE!

I've really been examining my heart, to try and discern if I'm just taking on an unrealistic "pollyanna" type approach...and my answer? No...I'm not. I sincerely feel my Daddy is taking me and family and my friends on this journey because he wants to show us he loves us. And I'm overwhelmingly convinced, he knows what he's doing.

Realistically, I've thought about some of the health related issues I've encountered in the last few years. I've have had Atrial Fibrillation twice (actually, three times, I guess), I had to have my gall bladder removed and had arthroscopic knee surgery...and the way I see it, if God and medical science can deal with those issues...God and medical science can deal with brain cancer just as well.

I don't feel any sense of stress, or panic, or desperation...I just feel secure. I feel loved. I feel ready to take on every single moment of life and live it to the fullest!

And we need your prayer...(and please don't take this wrong) we don't need sympathy or desparation.We need encouragment and as much of life as possible to maintain some normality.

We may all freak out tomorrow and fall apart...if we do, support us. But mostly, we need your love and support.

I'm planning on living every single minute I have...I WILL NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER GIVE UP!
\
I love you all...and I'm grateful to be on this journey with you!
Ollie

I feel like something good is about to happen.

I Simply, Smile.

(Please forgive my gratuitous emotion and cheese...
But I won't live a dishonest life.
I will not withhold my passion.)

Barren of leaves,
This windblown tree.
Withstanding Winter's toll,
Firmly planted in the security,
Of this gentle river flow.
Let your violence buffet, howl.
And bring your bitter snow.
You'll succeed to only dig in my roots,
To fertile soil below.
Your deepest threat,
Your fear...dark and grave,
Your empty, hollow chide,
Evokes a smile, in my resolve...
Exposing this passion that resides.
Your power to take, Is taken away.
Your plan revealed futile,
For as you scheme to strip away,
Fruit finds production...
And mocks you...
All the while.
So bring your winters' harshest,
Though I tremble,
Though I quake,
And this fullness of life,
This exuberant dance...
Is found here in your wake.
Full beyond containment...
I simply, smile.

A Manifesto for a Catalyst

A Dream, A Crazy Idea, An Insane Hypothesis...A Plan. 

Conceived of a dream, I have a "Crazy Idea." (If you know me, you know this.)

And borne of that conception: "An Insane Hypothesis."

My dream...that the world would change.

My crazy idea...that the world actually COULD change.

My "Insane Hypothesis"...(I've been out-on-a-limb before...but now I'm out there where the branches get really thin...and I'm okay with that!)...

Ready?

Okay.

I Believe We Can See Significant, Discernible World Change...Within Five Years!

That's right.

I said it...

Five Years.

Having the dream was great. 

Hope comes from dreams.

I've had hope.

That dream, that hope, lead me to my crazy idea...

This idea took my dream, and created this frustrating stirring.

The kind that keeps you up at night.

The kind that makes you write words, and poems, 

And say crazy things...

Crazy, crazy things.

And those crazy ideas lead to an insane hypothesis.

The kind that makes people question your lucidity.

But it can also lead to lots of ambiguity.

Dreams...

And ideas...

And even hypothesis...

But these, without some direction...

...just makes you feel as though you've crossed the rail and taken a flying leap into a sea of ambiguity.

And people don't deal well with ambiguity.

But, after a few years of soaking up all sorts of potentialities in that ambiguity...

I have emerged.

I have emerged...dangerous.

See, not only am I a dreamer.

I'm a dreamer...

With a plan.

So, let me give this hypothesis again...   

I BELIEVE WE CAN SEE SIGNIFICANT, DISCERNIBLE WORLD CHANGE...WITHIN FIVE YEARS!

(And my five year estimate...well that's a conservative estimate. Huh! Huh! The conservative estimate of a crazy dreamer! That made me laugh.)

And it goes something like this: if the Church would makes some deliberate changes...the sheer shock of those changes* would propel the world into obvious change.

      *Changes. If the world found us obviously and overwhelmingly fulfilled in life; and passionate, loving and non-judgmental.

For The World To Change The Church Has To Change.

Yep. 

The CHURCH has to change.  

To hear what we've said, for at least the past half millenium or so, we've been waiting for the world to change...

We've been laying this obligation at the world's feet.

But, since way back in the OT, it's been our responsibility. (Go read 2 Chronicles 7:14)

For the world to change, the church has to change...on purpose.  

We all want to see the world change. But it appears we hope this will happen by some kind of good-luck serendipity. 

Like world-change will happen accidentally...like getting T-boned by a Buick LeSabre.

(This made me laugh too. Like we're driving along...and BAM! "Dude! What just happened? Everyone alright? Wait...hey! The world just changed!!")

I'm a huge believer in prayer, and singing, and meeting, and talking...but at some point we've got to add to this, proactivity...

You know...if we want the world to change.

Yes, for the world to change...we've got to change. 

We've got to change.

We've got to change our approach to some things.  

Our approach to ourselves, and to the world, tends to be one of pandering to guilt and fear. 

But God's original plan for humanity wasn't fear...it wasn't guilt...it wasn't death...

It was life.

God's original plan for humanity was that we'd experience full life.

Adam and Eve Ruined the World's First Nudist Resort.

At the onset of creation...actually probably for eternity before this point in time...God wanted some simple things for humanity. 

He wanted unencumbered community. 

He wanted us to enjoy true community with each other. 

He wanted us to enjoy creation.

Well...he wanted us to enjoy, to realize, to live...full life. 

Full life. 

This is what Adam and Eve had...full life.

They were, both in reality and in metaphor, completely open and honest about who they were.

They hid nothing from themselves...

Nothing from each other...

Nothing from God.

They experienced no sense of shame or guilt or death.

They truly lived...

Feasting upon life itself... 

Their very sustenance being the tree of life.

Until one day, through fatal deception...turned their focus to a different kind of knowledge...

The knowledge of good and evil.

The knowledge of death.

(Have you ever thought about the fact that the only reason we understand comparing good and evil, is because we were lied to by Satan?!)

This was not, eh-hem, God's plan for humanity.

Since this commission of "original sin," the focus of the church (and religion in general has predominately focused on "good and evil"...and death...ever since.

Our vantage point of the church and the world has been from the leafy foliage of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

But it doesn't have to be this way. 

It shouldn't be this way.

This...was NOT the plan.

And someone came along to redeem the plan.

Someone came along to free us from our focus on death...

And return our focus to life. 

Jesus' express purpose for coming to earth was that we "may have life and have it to the full."

Jesus came to redeem us to life.

To carry us from the branches of death...

Back to dining from the plentiful fruit of the tree of life.

We must turn our focus back to LIFE...and away from death.

The Latin Phrase Application 

A huge part of this whole world-change thing, is, of course, reaching out.

But something has to happen first.

Before we can reach out...we must reach in.

We need to know what we really have...so we can really know what we have to give.

We must find our dream, our passion, our goal, our gifts and abilities.

You would think this would be amazingly simple.

I don't think so. 

I think, quite often, the person we know the least...is ourself.

Our hearts and brains are barraged with advice, compliments and complaints.

We're told what we should be, what we should do, what we should feel and how we should act...by everyone from birth to death.

We face such a wide variety of

emotions, whims and wild fantasies...that our true dream, goal and passion become smothered and unrecognizable.

We're told, that when we are pliable to God, our heart's desire will be granted.

But how do we even know what our heart truly wants? 

To start, we need to apply to ourselves, the account by Caesar, of an ancient battle in central Turkey:

"Veni. Vidi. Vici." 

I used to get so frustrated with the "OBVIOUS contradiction" (sarcasm inferred) of Jeremiah 17:9...

I used to read this verse...

Or have this verse quoted to me (EVERYTIME I mentioned my dream)...

And experience such overwhelming confusion...

 "Why would the Bible contain so many reference to 'heart's desire,' 'believing with our heart,' 'trusting with all our heart,' etc...when our heart was so deceptive?"

Until...I read the rest of the chapter. 

Then, I realized, finding the truth of who we are...

And what we're supposed to be doing...

And the direction we're supposed to be heading...

Takes some for real discipline...some real digging. 

I Came. I Saw. I Conquered.

I Came.

We must "come to ourselves." 

We have to place our trust in God and take some time to have our hearts examined. 

While it's great to take under advisement the compliments and critiques of others, we have to take time to come to ourselves find lies beneath the fancies and notions...to see the truth that exists.

To find our true passion.

We need to come to ourselves. 

I Saw. 

We must "see our giants."

We have to identify our habits and hinderances... The barriers that stand between where we are and where we need to be...

So often, we are our own Goliath (there should be a link here to a blog I once wrote) and the "giant" we must defeat...is us.

We need to see.

I Conquered.

We must "conquer ourselves."

We have to conquer those things we've seen. 

I have to conquer the things about me, that keep me, from being the me...I was created to be.

We need to conquer.

It takes discipline to find who we are...

And BE who we are.

But when we do...we find what provides us with a full life.

And when we find that passion, that goal, that dream, that thing that provides us with a fulfilled life...

We can then offer full life to others.

Yes...then.

Humans are plagued with this subconscious thinking: "If my life stinks, why shouldn't everyone's life stink?"

But if we enjoy life and are fulfilled...

We can offer joy and a full life to others.

And, you know what?

We have to avoid the lie of false-humility...

As it turns out...

You actually ARE WORTHY of living a fulfilled life.

In our attempt at humility, we often say we're not worthy...

That we don't deserve this full life we've been offered.

But we are worthy.

Why? Because Jesus died and rose again to make us worthy.

You want to be humble? Humble in honesty?

Honest humility is found in our realization that we've been made worthy, because Jesus made us worthy.

He made me worthy.

He paid for that with his life...with his death.

And this...makes me cry. 

(I had to stop and breathe here for a couple minutes.)

Now that we've started to find this full life...let's move.

Let's move out.

I've Got A Problem With The "Occupy" Movement...Prove Love.

The first part of this subset is laced with ignorance.

 Honestly. 

And this is nothing to do with the politics, demands, concerns of the Occupy movement. 

I've heard little bits and pieces of a couple of varied percentage points...

But I don't know much about them other than the fact that their obvious means to their end...

Is to, as their name suggests, occupy.

They apparently have some kind of loose organization...

They have some sort of hierarchy...

They assemble.

They sing.

They shout.

They spread ideals.

But...basically...they occupy.

They fill space.

And this really doesn't make a difference.

This doesn't really change.

How do I know?

Well, we've got several hundreds years of proof...

Occupying our pews...

Occupying our buildings...

Occupying our campuses...

It doesn't matter how righteous your cause...

If it's mostly conversation...

If it's mostly occupation...

It's mostly not going to change.

We need proactivity.

We need to Prove Love.

A few salient comments about love...from the Book.

The command of Christ, is to love. (John 13:34)

True theology, is to love. (1 John 4:7)

The proper response to sin, is to love. (1 Peter 4:8)

We've been called here to prove love...to provide life.

And love is actually pretty simple.

It's really, simply about treating people the way we want to be treated.

Have you ever been to a wedding, officiated by some sort of minister of the Christian faith?

Then you've probably heard Paul's famous discourse on love.

Everything in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 deals with how "love" actively treats others.

And, if you think about it...it's how we, ourselves, want to be treated.

And that's what Jesus said sums up "the law and the prophets."

Love's a simple thing...really. 

And...love takes discipline (that's why Jesus said love is the proof of discipleship).

And...love takes dedication. 

When we have a full-life, we want to share full-life.

When we realize the joy of living a full-life...

When we find our true passion and calling...

And we live that...

We want to share that with others.

When we want to share that with others, we want to prove love to others.

When the world sees this change...

This change in our actions, our attitudes, our life...

When the world sees this change...

This change to proving love, as opposed to pointing out sin and providing  judgement...

My contention is...

When the world sees this change...

That change will be a catalyst...

Which will propel the world...

To Change.

Sign On The Dotted Line

I know I'm crazy.

I know this is a silly dream...

A crazy idea...

An insane hypothesis...

I know I'm crazy enough to believe this can happen.

I'm crazy enough to dream this...

I'm crazy enough to have this vision... 

And if I'm this crazy...

I'm going to ask you to be crazy too.

I'm going to ask you to be crazy enough...

To buy-in to this vision.

This dream.

This crazy idea.

This insane hypothesis.

I'm asking you to join me.

And, really...

What's the worst that could happen?

Really?

If we make these deliberate changes...

If we find and live a full life...

If we prove love, and offer full life to the world...

And the world ACTUALLY changes...

If, within five years, we ACTUALLY see significant, discernible world-change... 

AWESOME! 

Yay! (You know?)

But even if it doesn't...

Even if, within five years, we don't actually see significant, discerirnible world-change...

Guess what?

We've still learned who we are and the passion of our life.

We've still realized a "life to the full." 

We've still proven love to the world.

We've still shared this "life to the full" with the world.

And if we do that...

AWESOME!

Yay! (You know...)

In a little over a month, we find ourselves back in a very special time in the church calendar...

The season of Lent. 

Last year I had the idea of a "Lent Dent"...

I had the idea that, what if, in preparation for Resurrection...

Instead of a fast that focuses on us...

And what we're giving up...

What if we focused on others...

And what we can give to them.

I'm asking you to take the next month or so,

And begin this process of applying "Veni. Vidi. Vici." to yourself.

To begin the process of finding...

Your passion...

Your gift...

Your call...

Your purpose...

Your full life.

And starting (not ending, but starting) this Lent Season...

Prove Love.

Show Full Life.

Be a catalyst.

To change the world. 

If you know me, you know this...
I Love You!
Ollie Horne,
A Dreamer...with a plan.

A Poet, Unintentional

Rain-stained window pane,
And through it flannel clouds.
Road signs and power lines,
And the shadow of my doubt.
Real feel, wind chill,
But my heart's fire blazes.
Bow low and undergo,
A metamorphisis from curses to praises.
No more a metaphor,
This is the Presence of Divine.
Undeniable, I know You. 
Though,
I find you undefined. 
Daddy, son. Two, well...one.
And like a surrender to gravity's pull.
An open heart, words depart,
And my response? I am a poet, Unintentional.
 
 

Post-It Note

You drew a heart on a Post-it Note, and posted it on my heart.



The gentle thrill,



How your fingertips feel,



Pressing this proof firmly in place,



Tears race down my face,



And in my mirror's reflection I see,



No, no, no longer my inadequacy,



But now an identity,



You've lovingly bestowed upon, and brought forth in me.



It's like me...but not me,



It's like it's me...but a FREE...ME!



A simple heart on mine,



The two, in syncopated rhythm, beating intertwined.



The shaking created by the pounding,



A resurfacing, a resounding...



A dream, in a place where dreams cowered, formerly forbidden...



Uncovered, unearthed, undeniably now...unhidden!



A banishing of barreness, a resurrection, a resuming,



I'm intrigued by the flames' habitude of sustaining, while concurrently consuming!



Imposing hedges that stood between,



Myself, and the Unseen.



Indomitable, this passion surpasses,



A barrier...diminished to ashes.



This passion now knowing free reign,



These flames burn, untamed.



But in my ear,



A whispered fear,



It's certainly been displaced, erased, defaced...



And my finger reaches to my chest and I retrace.



Finding on the skin above pericardia,



An identifying mark,



Mark, what am I saying? No! It's ART!



Composed in ink, inexpungible,



Untouchable,



Undefiled it remains...the same,



Only now...more defined.



More recognizable, I find.



Not that transitory paper, but on my heart a brand, a tattoo...



Engraved upon me, but whose ink-filled needles' pain, you knew.



I've lost myself, but in the losing, I've discovered,



The reality of me, this true me, you've uncovered.



My heart is yours.

"I said, 'Give me the putter.'"

"Give me the putter."  
 
That's what Poppy said.
   
"Give me the putter."
   
An old man.
   
An occasional golfer.
   
And Poppy said...
   
"Give me the putter."
   
The putter.
   
I've been in this place of trying to find my fit in this thing we call "ministry" for something like 25 years.
   
I've tried being the youth pastor, planning events and being very cool around teens.
   
I've tried being the children's pastor, doing slap-stick comedy to minister to kids.
   
I've tried being the pastor, wise and future-seeing.
   
I've tried being the preacher, shouting and sweating and taking in deep breaths.
 
I've tried being the missionary, adventurous and self-denying. 
   
I've never really tried to be me.
 
All these attempts had aspects of being me, but being defined as such, just didn't fit.
 
These weren't all failures. 
 
They even had great successes!
 
They were used by my Daddy to build me up and teach me.
 
But being defined by any of these definitions, alone, just didn't fit. 
  
I tried to wear everybody elses stuff and, man, it just didn't fit.
   
I never really tried to be me.  
 
I tried to be what everybody else said I should be and, man, I just can't do it.
 
I never REALLY tried to be me. 
   
Give me the putter.
   
I knew my gifting, my talent, my strength had to do with collecting sentences and putting words together...but I tried to do everything else.
   
So much so that I lost sight of those gifts, and talents, and strengths.
   
Like a bearded, island-trapped man drifting away from a blood-stained volleyball...I was drifting away from what made me alive.
   
And I was glad to do it.  
 
I became so convinced that these things, about which I felt such passion, were in no way a modern-church marketable skill set.  
 
I was there for a long time.
   
It's funny how things work. When we start pushing away from the things we lived for, we eventually can't even see them anymore.
 
Eventually, we trade those faded dreams for something more substantial.
 
Something more marketable.
 
And once you've drifted that far from the things that make you feel alive, it's pretty hard to get them back.
 
And sometimes, it takes something like having your life fall apart, to bring those things back into view.
 
Give me the putter.
 
That kind of what happened to me. 
 
My dream, gifts, talents and myself...became separated by about 5000 miles...
 
And I lost everything.
 
I was broken, and I was angry.   
 
I was angry at the One who gave me this gift in the first place.
 
The One I claimed I was following, when I walked away from gifts...well, He brought me back.
 
Give me the putter.
 
I was down there. 
 
Somewhere down there where rock bottom is all you've got to stand on...
 
Where there's nothing left but echoing drips of water drops, and a voice.
 
A voice calling me up.
 
Down there, you realize something.
 
Give me the putter.
 
You realize you don't need alot...
 
You realize you just need what works.
 
What works for you.
 
When the only way to look is up, you tend to look up.
 
On that rough-solid pit floor...
 
I found my dream, my passion, my gift...again.
 
Poppy said, "Give me the putter."
 
So I started using my gift.
 
I started writing.
 
I started collecting sentences and pithy phrases.
 
And I used the tool I had.
 
I wrote.
 
I wrote about my burden.
 
My burden?
 
The state of the church.
 
I wrote about my passion.
 
My passion?
 
Changing the world.
 
Give me the putter.
 
I wrote.
 
And I wrote.
 
And I rewrote.
 
And I wadded up and tossed aside...
 
And I rewrote again.
 
I wrote on aircraft jump seats, and park benches.
 
I wrote in Starbucks and in hotel rooms.
 
I wrote while sitting next to the Coliseum, the Eiffel Tower, Buckingham Palace, Stephens Green, the Arch, and at Israel's Mediterranean Sea coast.
 
I wrote in Macbooks, iPads, smartphones, notebooks, memopads, napkins and the back of pre-departure reports.
 
I wrote in almost every major U.S. city...
 
And I wrote in Rome, Amsterdam, Mumbai, Zurich, Moscow, London, Frankfurt, Paris and Santiago.
 
And then, I sat in Santiago...
 
And I didn't write.
 
Nope. 
 
I didn't write. 
 
I doubted.
 
I looked at the plethora of mediums upon which I'd placed my words...
 
I looked at my words.
 
I looked at my sentences.
 
Sentences.
 
Not paragraphs.
 
Most of the books I've read, contain chapter after chapter of sentences put together in paragraphs.
 
I just had the sentences.
 
My collection of sentences.
 
And I doubted.
 
I was discouraged.
 
I self-deprecated.
 
I was dying.
 
I didn't want the putter.
 
I cried.
 
And I cried.
 
And I sat there and, cried.
 
And didn't want my gift.
 
I didn't want "Ollie's way of doing it."
 
But then, I wrote.
 
I wrote about the doubt.
 
I wrote about the fear.
 
I wrote about feeling the duplicity of being both a withered flower blossom and a skinned-knee skating failure.
 
I wrote about getting scooped up, loved on and believed in.
 
Yes.
 
Believed IN.
 
See, the one who gave me this gift, reminded me that he believed in the gifts he'd given me.
 
And he believed in me.
 
And I resolved, to believe in my gifts as well.
 
Resolved. 
 
Realized.
 
I realized a few things...
 
I realized I have a burden.
 
I realized I have a passion.
 
I realized I have a calling.
 
And, I realized I have a gift.
 
I realized, that for the first time in either twenty-five or forty-two years, these four converged into one dual action capsule: my dream and God's will.
 
Give me the putter.
 
And I hinged on a ledge of throwing it all away, because I doubted the gift, the tool entrusted to me to reach this end.
 
But then, in a search for a few pieces written over the last couple years, I read through a few former blog posts, and I decided this:
 
I like the way I write.
 
I get excited about my oxy-moronic phrases that don't quite fit.
 
I spend hours mulling over two words.
 
This is the gift I've been given.
 
Give me the putter.
 
I made a solemn vow. 
 
I vowed to my Daddy.
 
I vowed to my family.
 
I vowed to the Church.
 
I vowed to the world.
 
I will embrace this gift, this tool, and use it...
 
To lift my burden,
 
To indulge my passion,
 
To fulfill my calling and, 
 
To realize my dream.
 
I know it may not be the conventional tool.
 
I know it may not be the wisest tool.
 
I know it may not be the tool of theologians and scholars.
 
But, it's the one that fits.
 
That fits me.
 
Give me the putter.
 
I don't stand alone in my rebellion.
 
There was a destined-to-be-king, adolescent shepherd who stood with me.
 
When called upon for the simple task of defending his nation at war, he stood in my rebellion.
 
He used what he knew he could use.
 
The over-sized body armor owned by the king, didn't fit this kid.
 
I mean, it seemed wise to wear it...
 
But he rebelled.
 
And his rebellion kind of paid off.
 
You know that story.
 
But you may not know the other story.
 
It's a story about Poppy.
 
I didn't know Poppy well, you probably didn't know him at all.
 
But I sat in a mortuary's chapel yesterday.
 
At the culmination of a week of doubt, and deliverance.
 
Decision and determination.
 
A week of resolution to use the gift I've been given to fulfill the challenge of my calling.
 
I heard this story about another rebellion.
 
One of my best friends, Joe, stood behind a flag-draped casket at the front of a chapel.
 
He was recounting the life of a great man, his grandfather.
 
A sailor.
 
A daddy.
 
An encourager.
 
An admonisher.
 
A "Poppy."
 
By serendipity, one of the final stories resonated so deeply in my heart.
 
By Divine design, settled my resolve.
 
By a whisper from my Daddy, encouraged me to use the gift I've been given.
 
Joe told a story of his annual golf battle with his Poppy.
 
They played a course, better described as a cow pasture.
 
Poppy didn't own his own clubs, but used Joe's.
 
On the final hole, this old man was about 40 feet from the green's edge.  
 
And then, several more feet to the hole. 
 
Poppy looked at his grandson, Joe...
 
And said, "Give me the putter."
 
The incredulous, and golf-knowledgable, grandson rebuffed this request!
 
"Poppy! The putter?!"
 
Joe recommended more appropriate clubs. (I don't know golf.)
 
He recommended clubs that would work for such a shot.
 
Poppy said, "Give me the putter."
 
In half pity for Poppy, in half competitive foreknowledge of this impending win...
 
Joe relented. 
 
Poppy took hold of the putter, adjusted his stance, took aim at ball...
 
And swung.
 
Over ant-hills and patches of grass, onto the green and into the flag's pole, the ball travelled...
 
And fell...
 
Into the hole.
 
In amazed disbelief, Joe stood with his mouth open! 
 
"Wow! Poppy! Wow!"
 
In the midst of Joe's confoundment...
 
Poppy looked at his grandson...
 
And said,
 
"I said, 'Give me the putter.'"
 
Resolved.
 
Give me the putter.