I still think about that bird.

I still think about that bird.


Why is it, I still can’t get the image of that bird out of my head…out of my heart?

Lunacy? Did I ever deny that fact?

But still, by now, under this care, why do I still see that bird?

She was beautiful that overcast day.

Beautiful.

Beautiful…and sad.

Beautiful and sad and land based.

It had to have been fifteen years ago, when I witnessed what was to me the most tortured, tragic and seemingly insignificant event sadly unfolding along the backside of Statesboro, Georgia’s Main Street business district.

I saw a bird…walking down the…

Oh, wait. Lunacy, remember? Told that one already.

(Maybe a couple times…or maybe a couple times more than I should’ve.)

But…

But the thing about it is…

Well, I still think about that bird.

I don’t know much about birds. I don’t know her particular species or anything.

She was a kind of charcoaly-grey, occasionally white and then dark black. And she didn’t have that nervous shifty head movement thing birds usually have. She just walked along, moving her head in slow, almost deliberate movements.

When she looked my way, and I saw first one eye, then the next, they were jet black, like you dripped glossy black paint on a sunny day.

But they were sad.

I kept thinking she was going to fly away. There was a tree or two and plenty of utility cables for perching.

But she just walked.

Even, even when a car, I think it was a light blue Vega like my sister used to have when I was seventeen, drove very closely…she just walked by.

(I couldn’t sleep tonight…too much raw desire, emotion, passion, pain…which for me, renders itself out as love expressed in words…and deep, deep memories…)

When that car came rumbling down the street, I just knew she’d raise her wings, display her authority over such petty constraints as physics, and fly away.

But again, no.

She walked.

The original story for just a minute…

She walked the entire length of the city block, turned and continued walking.

I never once saw her fly.

I never once saw her again.

And, I still think about that bird.

I wonder what happened to her in the days after the day she walked down the street.

I wonder if she just stayed low. I wonder if kept a strict rule: park benches and under!

I wonder if she just spent whatever could’ve possibly been left of the life, of a walking from grassy place to grassy place, trying to muster up some food.

I wonder if she felt the way so many feel, when they feel they don’t measure up? (I hate to even allow this word to travel across my scarred brain!)

I wonder if she felt insignificant.

That word.

I am ashamed of myself for even letting it flutter across this QWERTY keyboard!

It is profanity in the highest ranks of all that is profane.

Reluctantly, I will again use my previous obscenity…insignificant.

I don’t know for sure if insignificance banished her from flight, but her feelings of such certainly seemed to keep her on the ground.

Feeling insignificant can be the most swallowing, overwhelming feeling. I’ve known the feeling. I’ve known it well. I’ve known it recently. I’ve known its weight.

This bird, this bird that walked down the street, she’s been in my heart and mind so much. I’ve been thinking about her for over fifteen years.

In other words, she has not been insignificant to me.

And I was just a bored guy, looking out a door.

Just a human.

If she wasn’t insignificant to me, can you imagine how God feels about her?

If she wasn’t insignificant to God, can you imagine how God feels about you?!

I can imagine.

God feels like you are significant.

(Well, actually…he knows it.)

So go fly!

(Oh...and don't be afraid to fly!)

I've got a calling...I don't need a title.

Please read this carefully.

I want to say this as kindly and gently a way as possible. 

Also, I'm saying this about ME, not anyone else...this is a personal request from me, not a commentary on any person or organization.

I've known, and walked in, my calling and gifting as a pastor for over 25 years. Whether I was shepherding in the capacity of a church staff member...or as a friend, co-worker or simply a passer-by in everyday life. My calling is who I am, not what I do. It's my life, not a position.

My calling is to pastor. To teach, to be a visionary, and to lead people to seek Christ. That's what my calling has always been…it's what I've done. Position or no position. This calling to lead at Lifepoint is just a natural progression, but it doesn't make me any better than anyone else and it CERTAINLY doesn't make me any closer to God! (The curtain in the temple was torn in two for YOU just like it was for me!

So, please, don't hold me in any higher esteem than any other Christ follower. Please don't put any titles on me. My name is Paul Ollie Horne, Sr. I prefer Ollie, by the way. (Interestingly, "Paul" means humble…"Ollie" means peace. I think my name speaks all the title I need.)

"They love to sit at the head table at church dinners, basking in the most prominent positions, preening in the radiance of public flattery, receiving honorary degrees, and getting called 'Doctor' and 'Reverend.' "Don't let people do that to you, put you on a pedestal like that. You all have a single Teacher, and you are all classmates. Don't set people up as experts over your life, letting them tell you what to do. Save that authority for God; let him tell you what to do. No one else should carry the title of 'Father'; you have only one Father, and he's in heaven. And don't let people maneuver you into taking charge of them. There is only one Life-Leader for you and them—Christ. (Matthew 23:6-10 MSG)

Could...but didn't. (A bird took a walk down the street.)

(I've told it before.)

One day, it was a rainy day; I saw a bird walking down the street.

A bird, complete with wings & feathers, walked at least a full city block and a half.

I thought it was strange, in consideration of such amazing capabilities...this bird walked...with the ability to fly.

I still wonder why the bird didn't fly.

Maybe he was never encouraged to fly, and didn't know he could...

Maybe he was waiting for the right time, (the most stale of all excuses)…

Maybe he was never pushed, and became lazy...

Maybe he flew into a window, and adamantly decided to never be fooled again...

Maybe he tried to fly, but failed…and fell...

Maybe he just didn't want to fly...

Whatever the reason, this bird reasoned to not use his most enviable gift...

...Flight. 

Can you imagine? 

Flying?

Think about the time, maybe decades ago, when you dreamed of lifting off and freeing yourself from these "surly bonds,” spreading your arm-wings and soaring above cars and playgrounds and the mortals of terra firma!

No more stuck in traffic.

Your friends in utter awe.

With basketball skills to die for.

And how would you clear your mind? 

Oh...yeah...go for a little flight around the subdivision!

We wish. 

We dream. 

We fantasize. 

For this thing...this AMAZING thing...

That is the natural, innate ability...

Of a bird...

Who had the audacity...

To walk...

When he could fly.

It's enough to almost make you angry...

Plenty enough to make you wonder...

And beg the question "why?"

Why, bird?!

Right?

I saw that bird in 1998.

And I’ve lived almost fifteen years with this apparitional memory.

(Breathe for a second.)

Okay, honestly my deep concern isn't really for this unfilled feathered failure not living up to his potential.

What concerns me is the image I see here.

I'm haunted by the metaphor!

I'm haunted because I see myself...walking in the rain...afraid to fly...

Afraid to, refusing to, use that thing so bestowed upon me, others strain to restrain their envy.

And still I think of a thousand excuses…

I realize a thousand fears…

I focus on a handful of discouragers…(instead of the thousand of you who encourage.)

I know I can fly.

For me, my wings are words.

Spoken, written, crafted together.

In my gift of being a word-crafter, I HAVE THE SUPERHUMAN ABILITY OF FLIGHT.

I know this. It's what is true of me.

It is my delight and joy.

It is the means to my passion.

It is the means to my dream.

It is the means to my calling.

It is the manifestation of my calling.

It IS my calling.

It is the breath my Daddy uses, to breathe life into this pile of dust, held in Divinity's palm.

It is my brick in this eternal building.

With the haunting memory of that bird's walk, and his un-utilized gift…

I allegorically step to the edge…

Spread my arms,

And kick fear and denial where it hurts!

It's what I must do, to do what I must do!

I HAVE TO LIVE, FULLY ALIVE!

And so now I'm asking you…

With bitter tears and a fear of making you feel judged…

But an even greater desire to see you live FULL…FULFILLED.

Why are you walking…beautiful bird?

Dear Church...are we?

John 13:33-37 (The Message)

"Children, I am with you for only a short time longer. You are going to look high and low for me. But just as I told the Jews, I'm telling you: 'Where I go, you are not able to come.' 34 "Let me give you a new command: Love one another. In the same way I loved you, you love one another. 35 This is how everyone will recognize that you are my disciples - when they see the love you have for each other." 36 Simon Peter asked, "Master, just where are you going?" Jesus answered, "You can't now follow me where I'm going. You will follow later." 37 "Master," said Peter, "why can't I follow now? I'll lay down my life for you!"

I love this. 

The deal has been made. Judas sold him out.

Jesus is really just hours from the end of his natural life. 

Jesus has some very important information to impart.

Something new. (Remember, "new." Okay?)

Something Jesus has basically been waiting his whole life (not just the thirty or so he's been on earth…but the eternity before "earth" was even ever spoken) to lay out his plan and share it with humanity.

So, yeah…new.

Jesus said, "Let me give you a new command: Love one another. In the same way I loved you, you love one another."

"Let me give you a new command."

Jesus said "new."

But not new like the marketing department's ploy to make you think their product has been made better (but actually contains the same product, now just in a sexier package) when they post on the package "New Look…Same Product." (This is what I call "deceptive honesty." Um…yeah…okay...)

Not that kind of new.

But the kind of new synonomous with words like unprecedented, uncommon…wait, try this one…unheard of. Remember when I said to remember "new"?

Well, it seems to me, Jesus is talking to the Disciples, with this kind of wide-eyed, hold-on-to-your-seats, this-is-going-to-blow-you-away and shake-up-what-you-believe kind of new theology (doesn't "theology" sound completely inadequate?)

But that's exactly what this word "new" meant.

Jesus is about to be arrested, endure the most brutal, multiple beatings, falsely accused, wrongly convicted, and shamefully executed…and is trying to impart the most important thing he's ever said, and set forth the command for the church…and the identity obeying the command would confer.

Here's what he said, again.

"Let me give you a new command: Love one another. In the same way I loved you, you love one another. This is how everyone will recognize that you are my disciples - when they see the love you have for each other."

Two words: Earth Shattering!

Can you imagine?

You've spent your whole life trying desperately to follow an impossible to remember list of laws and commands.

Then you spent about the last three years with the man who claims to be the one who gave Moses those laws and commandments and those commands you had to obey to make sure you obeyed the other commands.

Commands on top of commands, on top of commands.

And Jesus comes along and says he's got a new command. 

Love people.

And not only that, but this. 

If you obey this command, people will know you're learning from me. 

People will know you're my disciple…

…Not because the robe you wear.

…Not because the tassels on your robe.

…Not because of any other thing…

…But showing love.

This was, even compared to all the crazy things they had ever heard from the mouth of the Messiah, in redundancy: earth shattering.

But you know what gets me?

In over 2000 years, the Church really hasn't changed that much.

Jesus says I'm outta here, 'kay? You won't be able to find me when I leave...and before I go and leave you to finish, you need this important order: love.

And what did Peter do/say?

Peter completely ignored Jesus' command and started freaking out about Jesus leaving.

"I wanna go with you!!"

"I promise I'll be good!"

Peter completely disregarded Jesus' command.

Peter was looking for something else in the Messiah…and sometimes it seems that's all he could see.

Peter was looking for a position. (That's what I used to look for.)

Peter was looking for prosperity. (That's what I used to look for.)

Peter was looking for power. (That's what I used to look for.)

But Peter wasn't looking in the mirror. (Me either.)

Peter was looking for something new, but Peter wasn't looking at Jesus "new command."

Dear Church…are we?

Two Stacks, Neatly Folded

I'm a passionate believer that it's been mandated to me to be and live transparently. And I'd rather take a chance at embarrassing myself...and maybe, just maybe help someone else.
If you want to call me cheesy or dumb or insane, well...thanks for the compliment!
I've had this same dream SEVERAL times lately.
In my dream, there are two stacks of neatly folded clothes on our bed.
One stack of clothes is self-doubt, frustration, bitterness, worry, fear, judgmentalism, etc.
The other stack is joy, happiness, trust, self-discipline, love, etc.
I'm confronted by these two stacks of clothes and a decision: one stack I have to put away (so they'll be ready to wear when I need them)...the other stack must be THROWN away (so I can never wear them again.)
In this recurring dream, I have to decide what I'm going to keep & wear...and what I'm going to get rid of and never wear.
The dream is very straight forward and easily understandable. It's no surprise that I'd dream it, because it's the discipline I've chosen to confront...but it's an interesting dream.
Like I said, I dream this over & over! I've shared this dream with a few people, but dreamed it again last night, and decided to share it with everyone. If it means anything to you...let it speak, if not, well you'll still have plenty of time for other activities today...
I love you...and encourage you to consider what you wear today.

Exintingushing Bridges

I used to be quick to burn bridges. My stubborn refusal to forgive...or apologize has often left me trapped at dead-ends with only smoldering ruins behind me.
I'm learning there's something better than blame, bitterness and burning bridges. This discipline isn't easy, but worth it.
And it leads to a much more fulfilling life!
I AM ALIVE! (Watch me live.)

An Update...and other stuff...

Hey everyone...thanks in advance for always giving me the space to be Ollie.
I don't want to make this a long, drawn out thing...but I also have to share all the rest of my heart in this process.


For as long as I remember, at my dad's church, we used to sing this song (which I always felt was kind of cheesy...and I REALLY struggle cheesiness, especially when its applied to God)...but we used to sing this song called, "I Just Feel Like Something Good Is About To Happen."
Several months ago, that song popped into my brain's music rotation. From out of nowhere, I suddenly, and constantly found myself singing this big cheese pizza song, seasoned with overwhelming hope.

"I just feel like something good is about to happen...and brother, this could be that very day."

I was singing this song...unable to shake it. It's not really my genre...but it was lodged in my heart and head...for months.
Until it reached a crescendo of excitement and emotion...on January 26th. On that day, I just happened to be on a layover in Lagos, Nigeria.
I didn't have internet service in my room, so, on this layover, I generally sit in the hotel lobby where free wifi is ever-so-slowly available.
I sat in the lobby, chatting with Cristi. I had told her several times about this song stuck in my head...and told her again this day, "Baby, I don't know why...but I simply just feel like something good is about to happen!"

We were both so very encouraged! I've been working on this book, we're really focusing on living our dreams...we feel such a passion for not just "life" but for TRULY LIVING A FULL LIFE! And this song seemed to be just the encouragement we needed to push us over the edge and, well, just make us know that "life" was actually happening!
So after a bit of chatting and dreaming...and a plate of fish and chips...I went to my room to get ready for my flight home.

I showed up for pick-up...and really felt physically, emotionally, spiritually AMAZING! I had spent some time working on my book and dreaming...

I couldn't wait to get home and see where this excitement for life was going to take Cristi, the kids and me.

But I didn't quite make it home that night...

Shortly after boarding the plane, while preparing to receive passengers, my brain decided to teach me a crash course in expressive dancing...I put my right-side in, did the hokey-pokey, and shook it all about. (I had a few seizures.)

I was transported to an incredible facility on Victoria Island in Lagos called Reddington Hospital. I had amazing care from a Harvard-trained neurologist, a first-rate cardiologist, and some amazing, highly trained Registered Nurses such as Victor Michael. (I really recieved a truly holistic care...medically, emotionally, spiritually...while in Nigeria.)
I also want to say how truly thankful I am to the crew I was working with on that trip! Georgia, Karen, Carlis, Beverly, Bridgetta, Jeffrey and Robert...plus the pilots! When I came to, and was surrounded by a crew of praying fellow co-workers...telling me I was loved...I knew everything was going to end up just fine. ("Vanilla Thunder" loves you all VERY MUCH!)
I also want to thank all the people at Delta OCC and the supervisors (Philip, Lantz, Lori and Sam) as well as the staff from InternationalSOS, who provided such amazing care in getting me home and communicating with my family. (I especially want to thank Dr. Barbara Hanke who escorted me home. I've never experienced such a seamless balance between medical professionalism and just genuine nurturing in my life!)
As frightening as the experience could have been, I feel so fortunate and purely blessed, through it all.

As soon as I arrived in Atlanta, I was transported immediately to Atlanta's Emory Hospital for MRIs and other evaluations. There, the tumor that was diagnosed in Nigeria was confirmed, and I was scheduled for brain surgery.
The tumor was removed (although, I'm honestly not sure if it was ALL removed, etc.) on February 6th.

So, yesterday, I got the pathology report from the staff at Winship Cancer Institute at Emory. The diagnosis is Stage 4, Glioblastoma. It's supposedly an aggressive form of brain cancer.
I have another appointment on Tuesday, February 21st with the entire medical team...and another with the oncologist on February 24th. I'll know more about the process of treatment on these dates. But, the initial plan is, of course, for six weeks of radiation and about a year of chemotherapy. And, I've been told I'm a prefect candidate for a new, aggressive, clinical trial.

I know this may all sound daunting...but I have to be honest with where I am in this whole process...emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc.

I'm really okay. Really.

I don't think I've ever felt more secure and at ease with anything in my life! I simply feel like my Daddy has everything under control and is taking me on this journey. And I couldn't be more excited to see what he has in store!

My theme for the last several years has been this overwhelming, unquenchable desire to change the world. I mean, I want to change the world. I want to see people realizing all the fullness of life...I want to see people living out of their passions and knowing the thrill, the pleasure, the joy of being ALIVE!

I've really been examining my heart, to try and discern if I'm just taking on an unrealistic "pollyanna" type approach...and my answer? No...I'm not. I sincerely feel my Daddy is taking me and family and my friends on this journey because he wants to show us he loves us. And I'm overwhelmingly convinced, he knows what he's doing.

Realistically, I've thought about some of the health related issues I've encountered in the last few years. I've have had Atrial Fibrillation twice (actually, three times, I guess), I had to have my gall bladder removed and had arthroscopic knee surgery...and the way I see it, if God and medical science can deal with those issues...God and medical science can deal with brain cancer just as well.

I don't feel any sense of stress, or panic, or desperation...I just feel secure. I feel loved. I feel ready to take on every single moment of life and live it to the fullest!

And we need your prayer...(and please don't take this wrong) we don't need sympathy or desparation.We need encouragment and as much of life as possible to maintain some normality.

We may all freak out tomorrow and fall apart...if we do, support us. But mostly, we need your love and support.

I'm planning on living every single minute I have...I WILL NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER GIVE UP!
\
I love you all...and I'm grateful to be on this journey with you!
Ollie

I feel like something good is about to happen.